Magic; A Poem Revisited

I’m very pleased with the progress that I have made in revising this poem. However, I don’t consider it fully revised yet….it feels incomplete somehow. I’m going to do further mulling this week, but for the moment, here is where she’s at:

Magic

6a Magic speaks in whispers,

7b Running gently through the wood;

7c It prances over rivers;

7c And refracts light in shivers.

6d It winks from each flower,

7e Glinting off of crystal dew.

7f ‘tis the sweetness in the air;

7f Painting colors barely there.

 

6g Magic enchants your eyes;

7h Playing just beyond the touch.

7i It beckons the golden bee;

7i And adorns the fruited tree.

6j It is the bird’s trilled song;

7k The pattern of growing moss.

7l In the shade it romances;

7l And in sunlight it dances.

 

As always, I encourage people to critique my work and share their thoughts. I don’t know exactly what needs to be changed or added to this poem, but, to me, it doesn’t feel quite done.

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7 thoughts on “Magic; A Poem Revisited

  1. This is interesting and I appreciate you sharing your editing process.

    I am not being deliberately obtuse by saying I think I know what I would do with It, but wont say exactly what it is I would do: I believe that each poet’s work is their vision to express. I will be looking forward to seeing the finished piece.

    • Thank you so much for you comment. I really appreciate it. If I ask nicely would you tell me what you would do with it? ;D I agree that “each poet’s work is their vision to express.” I also believe that there can be no real growth without external input.

      • My feelings are my own but as you asked so nicely. This needs to sparkle and flow like the magic it describes: does it have to have a fixed form? If you are determined to do so, it is still possible to achieve that but it will be more difficult to capture the essence of something unbridled.
        If you look at the first words of each line you may find part of what I feel is the problem. You have lost yourself in a cloud of ‘it’ and ‘and’. So my reading is tripping over them too.
        Prancing over rivers…
        Refracting light in (silver) shivers…
        Winks from each small flower…

        Perhaps I have missed something which has made you want to do it this way. But with each ‘it’ and ‘and’ you lose a syllable which could be used to add colour elsewhere.

        I hope this gives some food for thought and please remember I am no expert nor critic, just a fellow traveller on a similar journey.

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